Life is what you make of it.

If you walk around all day long looking for the negative, then you will find the negative and visa versa. The problem is that life, being what it is, makes it very hard for a person to see the possitive. How does one see possitive threw bills, work stress, relationship issues, money concerns, family matters...etc? Well, sometimes I think of people who are worse off then I am, then I remember that the family down the street with 4 kids and a broken down car is getting $4,000.00 back in taxes and I OWE again! I keep telling myself money is not the answer, although it sure does help! What about the guy with a bum leg in a wheel chair, he's got it bad right? Oh hell he's getting more in disability and social security then I make working my ass off, but it does suck to be him. OK, there has to be something....

I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, a man that truely loves me, 2 really great kids, dispite the fact I nearly screwed them up. I have a job even though it isn't the greatest and does give me stress, atleast Im working. I have true friends who are always there when I need them. I have 'stuff' that I can call my own.

Now if I can just keep remembering how much I do have dispite what I don't I'll be ok for another day.

Go forth with possitive thoughts.

Susan
~peace~

I was sitting and enjoying watching American Idol last night when a call came in. I could barely make out what the person was saying and could hear someone else screaming and saying something. Finally I made out what the caller was trying to say "Janet, the lady in 209 is on the floor and not responding".

I rushed to put on my shoes, Jack was right behind me, how he gets his on faster then me I'll never know. As Im running down the street I can here the ambulance in the distance and immediately I stopped running. A thought ran threw my head that Im going to see a dead body and I don't want to. I was scared!

Janet is one of my tenants, she has always been a dear friend and I knew this day would come, I just didn't think it would be like this or now. She was in her 60's with just about every health problem a person could have. Several months ago she had a heart problem which caused the doctors to stop her heart and restart it. I visited her several times in the hospital and took care of her birds while she was gone. When I first moved in here with Jack she was the first person to ever talk to me. Soon we talked daily. She was one of those neighbors that likes to know who you are, how many kids do you have and anything else of interest. When I became the manager of the apartments I felt sad because I couldn't talk to her as much as I used to. She liked to gossip and I couldn't being the manager now. I feel bad because a lot of times I had to cut our conversations short due to me being so busy and not having time to chit chat.

I walked up onto the walk way to her unit and the tenant who had called me was very excited and trying to figure out if she was dead. I stood in the door way and knew she was gone. I didn't have to get close to know. "she's gone Amy, she's not here, she's dead" I said that over and over again and Amy continued to look for any sign of life. Jack walked up behind me and held on to me, I turned and told him she's gone and he said softly "I know baby". As the ambulance finally pulled up, Jack was waving them in to the right place and I told the woman she was gone. Amy was still inside babbling and crying trying to figure out if she was dead. I don't think she wanted to believe it, that's why she kept frantically checking. Everyone that lived near Janet loved her. You couldn't help not to, she was just that kind of woman.

One thing I will always remember about her is her absolute honesty. She was one of those ladies that told you how it was and you either liked it or not. She had an opinion about everything and was sure to let you know what it was. As hard core as she was she also had a really soft side to her. She always bought me Christmas presents and one year made me a Birthday dinner. I remember how she told me, she called and said "I've made you lunch for your birthday, now get your ass down here and eat it before it gets cold". That was Janet.....and I loved that about her. When ever she would call me, which was nearly everyday, I would answer and she would say "well shut your mouth" and I'd say "what do you want lady". It was just between us and then we'd spend the next half hour talking about everything and everybody that we didn't talk about the day before.

I stood at the window peeking in as the paramedic turned her over. I started to cry and then felt the urge to throw up. I held it in and Jack came and pulled me away. He knew I'd have more nightmares if I continued to look. I knew I would to, but couldn't help but to see what was happening. I didn't want to believe she was really gone. I talked to the police a bit and we tried to figure out who was her next of kin and where she'd keep the numbers. We gave the officer an address book that Amy found inside and they called her daughter. They told us she was dead and that the coroner was on his way. Jack held me tight and said it was time to go back to our apartment. I agreed and we did.

American Idol was still on, I couldn't even concentrate on it. I just kept playing the picture of her slumped over on the ground in my mind. I knew I wouldn't sleep. I felt sorry for her, for her family and wondered if she was ok where ever she was now. My mind swims with so much today as I try to call her friends and wait for her family to arrive. I can't get the picture out of my mind. I keep thinking I should have walked slower so I didn't have to look.

Good bye friend, I hope your ok now. I love you and will always remember you! God Bless You!

Susan
~peace~

Bitter temps made it hard to enjoy the weekend and I've been trying to nurse a sick fish back to health. It's a large Albino Oscar that we've had for 5 years. It's bad enough that when they are fine they act weird, but when they are sick even weirder. It's hard to tell if he's really sick or sulking because I moved living room furniture around. Ya...they are that sensitive.
I'll never forget when we got him/her (we've never figured out the sex but always assume it's a he). He was just a baby no bigger then a half dollar swimming alone in a tank at the pet shop. We knew nothing about Oscars or any kind of fish for that matter. "aww, how sad, it's all alone...lets get it". We bought the little Oscar and a 10 gallon tank and headed home. We also purchased some friends to keep him company. Then one day we realized his friends were gone. They were no where to be found. Not floating, hadn't jumped from the tank...hmm *scratching head*. So we bought him two more little friends. It was at that moment when we dropped his new friends into the tank, that we realized what had happen to his other friends. "Ohhhhhhhh *gasp* did you see that!!".
We turned to the internet and quickly learned what kind of fish we had on our hands.

After that we learned that Oscars are very unique fish. They are often called the 'puppy dog' of fish. They are very sensitive to change, they don't like anything, will sulk when mad and sometimes will actually demand attention from you. Our Oscar can be hand fed, petted and often found scooping up large rocks and spitting them at the large pleco, his only surviving friend. We think he only allows it to remain so he has something to torture and it helps that it bigger then he is. When we moved from an upstairs unit to a down stairs until he was mad at us for a week. Every time I rearrange the living room he stops eating for a couple days. He will watch everything that goes on around his tank and Jack even swears sometimes he's watching T.V. with us. I have to admit, it sure seems that way.

Our Oscar is a little over 5 yrs old now and Im not sure how long they live. I noticed last week that he was not swimming right. He stopped eating and I've been treating the tank with various medications. I think we may have him on the mend now. Today he is actually swimming about and looking pissed off as usual.

I hope everyone had a great weekend and may you all have a wonderful week ahead!

Susan
~peace~

Happy Valentines Day!

Ahhh....Valentines Day, the day most dreaded by men all over the world. What to get that special someone? Clueless men lined up at the local discount store to get the wife a card. Some just reach in and grab one, others actually read the card. Those are the ones that have been married the longest. They know the importance of getting one that says just the 'right' things. If you want to know which men are the best husbands, stand outside the hallmark store, cause those are the good men who pay top dollar, however, you have to go a week early to find the REALY good men, not the last minuters. All the single guys laughing and pointing at the 'whipped' men, when deep down they secretly wish they had someone to buy a card for. Some men buy the roses and chocolates and some men buy the stuffed gorilla's in red boxers that sing "hunk a hunk a burning luv". Other men are buying the wife a sexy new nighty that she'll never wear, but he prays to the sex God's she wont throw it in the draw with the 2 dozen others he's bought. A few men wont get anything at all and will pay the price for the REST OF THEIR LIVES! This is the day that will make or break a new relationship.

On the flip side, some women all over the world are anxiously awaiting for their brilliant husbands to FINALLY GET IT RIGHT THIS YEAR! Other women are sitting around the office staring at the door wondering when the flower delivery guy will walk in and a few women know the drill and don't care anymore.

I have already been kissed, wished a Happy Valentines Day and told to be dressed and ready for dinner out when he gets home tonight. Jack has already been conditioned. He KNOWS the drill, he's been there done that and knows that there is nothing worse then a woman pissed off on valentines day. Not from me .... I think part of the problem with society these days is that we put so much pressure on not screwing up Valentines day, Christmas, Anniversaries and Birthdays that we forget the other 361 'unimportant' days.

I would be lying if I said Jack and I were the perfect couple and never have problems. We struggle just like everyone else. He lives with chronic pain and I'm experiencing hormonal changes. Together our lives are cluttered with tears, extra strength tylenol and herbal supplements. It's very easy for me to dream and think of a different life. I am sure when I am having a hormonal moment Jack is playing that game too. We all do it, it's human nature to want to change what we can't.

My message for today is to make everyday Valentines Day with the one you love. It is easier to replace one brick in the foundation of your relationship, then having to rebuild it from the ground up. Jack was up last night finishing the last of the mortar around the brick he replaced yesterday. All is sturdy in our house.

Susan
~peace~