My evening went like this: (side note, for those who don't know, my husband Jack has degenerative disc disease and severe arthritis in his spine and because of this suffers from chronic back pain)

Jack walked threw the door, home from work as he does everyday. Only this day the look on his face was of pure pain. I knew right away that something was wrong. He was holding his backpack as if it was the heaviest thing in the world. I grabbed it from him and set it down "jeesus are you ok?" I asked. The pain was so bad he could hardly open his eyes to look at me or see where he was going. He was trying desperately to get to his chair. Once in his chair he explained that two of the younger guys at work called in and instead of the supervisor getting someone else in the area to do all the heavy lifting that two young men usually do, he had Jack do the job by himself. "WHAT??!"I was furious and came unglued. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? "They KNOW you have back problems, didn't you say anything, didn't you go to your boss?" He didn't want to get fired for being old and having health issues so he thought he'd just do it and suck it up. Now he's half lame and I honestly didn't know if he'd make it out of bed to go back today. We depend on his income as the major source of our survival so having him down is not an option. He HAS to work.

I brought him two percocet's, the heating pad and dinner in his chair. About an hour later he could move about but very slowly. He fell asleep shortly after finishing his meal. I kept shaking my head trying to understand this old man's thinking. I guess it must be pretty scary being nearly 60 in the work place these days. His normal job is that of a 'lead' person who keeps a packing area performing smoothly. He usually sits behind a desk or packs small parts. He's loosing his eye sight rapidly and the back issue is getting worse and worse each year. I'm not sure how much longer he can keep doing this, but we need his income so badly right now.

I heard him waking in the other room so I said my goodbye's to my online friends. When I got to him he was trying to get out of his chair. The combination of the medication and the pain made him look like someone I didn't know. I spent an hour giving him a rub down with menthol oil fed him a snack and sent him off to bed. He slept soundly and was up this morning getting himself ready for work. I must have fallen back to sleep because I never heard him leave and had to get out of bed to check and see if the truck was still here. I guess he was ok.....I hope.

So I'm off now to get my work done and worry sick about him all day. I hope everyone has a great day and it's full of joy and happiness!

Susan
~peace~

As I sleepily sip my tea and try to understand what the T.V. is saying to me I can smell the rain in the air. Yet another day of rain, spotty they say, but rain none the less. The only good coming of it is the cool air. I've scanned the message boards for something of interest. Not much there, a birthday wish and a video caught my attention. I've grown so very tired of the feuds and the childish behavior that I can't hardly bring myself to go back. I've checked all my mail and deleted most of it.

I had the pleasure of talking to an old friend yesterday. I hadn't seen her in 3 years. She used to visit atleast once a year. Talking about the past and catching up on things was extremely painful for me. It was all I could do not to burst out in tears. However, there was laughter in our chat. She was always good at making me laugh. I remembered how much I loved her, she was always so witty and bright. When she would visit we would have sleep overs like little girls again, laughing and giggling all night until Jack and Doug (her boyfriend) would tell us to get to bed. I hadn't realized how much I missed her.

I hope today brings all my friends peace. I love you all and know that I think of you daily.

Susan
~peace~

Im not sure what blogspot did with my pictures, but I will try and fix it if I can.

Well it's Monday again....and it's busy busy busy as always. I found out Friday that the owner of the apartments I manage is selling this one that I live in. This could be good and it could be bad. I'll just have to wait and see. I may have to look for another job which is fine, I need to get away from this. I just hate change, change scares me.

Well I guess I should go, there really isn't much else going on in my little world worth reporting about.

Be well friends and smile today. It'll make you and someone else feel good.
Susan
~peace~

I hope everyone is doing better then I am. I've been sick for a few days. Haven't really felt like doing much. My head feels like it's going to explode and my tummy and I are fueding.

I'm relaxing in front of the tv and watching 'brother where art thou'. I love this move. The music is great and always makes me want to get up and dance. I'm chair dancing and damn good at it too.

I want to thank everyone who has sent me emails and cards telling me how much they miss me and love me. You guys are the best! I promise as soon as I feel better I'll start posting more.

Well, the movie is getting good and I need to scoot. You all have a great weekend and please be good to each other.

Susan
~peace~

Well it's Monday again....Could be a busy day or a most boring day. Wont know till later.

I had a nice weekend. I've been getting hooked on watching movies that I haven't seen before. This weekend I watched The pink panther,The human stain and Patch Adams.

Up town they had a car show and street fair for Fathers day. If it hadn't been so hot we might have wandered around the car show, but the sun and humidity were bruital. They had a big fire on the down town square during the street fair. I over heard two people talking at the laundry mat on sunday morning that it was pretty bad.

Jack's daughter stopped by with flowers and a card for Jack. We sat around and talked for an hour or so. She's enjoying her new job and thinking of moving to a smaller town near by. I sent my father some e-cards and decided not to call him. I don't know why I avoid him so much. I think maybe I still hold on to a grude from some 16+ yrs ago. When I was getting married to my first husband, he was just newly married and his wife and I didn't get along. Words were exchanged which resulted in him not coming to my wedding. My brother had to walk me down the isle. I think I still hold a deep pain from that because I had always felt like family was family and you should always put blood first. I felt as though I was second place to the new wife when it came to my day. Anyhooo....I guess in some ways I still kinda get sore about that and find it hard to be a good daughter. I am sure he's sitting at home thinking I'm not that great because I didn't call....but the feeling I had on my wedding day without him there was much worse I assure you. I think it was then that I first learned that people you love and you thought loved you will hurt you for their own gain. Most of the men in my life have never really been what I thought they were, or treated me as I thought I deserved. I guess it could be why I have now recently begun to not trust men.

I wish all of you a wonderful week and I hope nothing but happiness greets you.

susan
~peace~

You know it's going to be one of those days when you wake up crying and an hour later your laughing your ass off.

It's no secret that I have cats...And I've shared a million times on here about my love hate relationship with my babies. Thismorning was hard. I had a horrible dream...A dream of death and dieing. I'm so scared to die...This was so real. As IM waking and wiping tears from my check I hear the sound all cat owners hate to hear. "ack plack ack acccck blaaaa". "CRAP!" I said out loud in a tired voice as I rolled out of bed. Now I was going to have to make my way to the bathroom without finding the mess with my toes, get my contacts in and go on the hunt for it.

I looked everywhere and couldn't figure out where the barf/hairball was. So I decided to stop looking because sometimes it does mysteriously disappear. I stumbled into the kitchen, wasn't hungry, out of pop, made myself some tea. My tummy rumbled in pain. I screamed at it to shut up. Turned on my computer, checked my office messages, straightened some papers and before I sat down I opened all the windows. Ahh...it's still cool. I set my tea down and plopped into my computer chair. It took 2 min for the puke/hairball to seep past my jeans and alert me. I jumped up only to realize my worst fear. With all that has happen to me lately all I could do was laugh. I knew it was going to be a good day!

For those of you who read religiously.....I hope today finds you well. For those of you who just stumbled into my world....Welcome and take a helmet from the basket by the door. Your gonna need it.

Susan
~peace~

The morning air is cool. I love having the windows open. It wont stay this way for long though, the weather bug tells me it's going to be in the 90's this weekend. I can take high 80's, but once it gets into the 90's I have to stay indoors. It really sucks, I feel like a prisoner, like a sick child watching everyone threw a window having fun. I love boating, fishing, swimming...but my body hates the sun. I have to be really careful in the summer time not to get over heated or stand in the direct sun for to long.

The fruit stands are filled with loads of beautiful strawberries. I'm thinking of getting some and making a strawberry pie. I haven't made one in a looooong time and boy does that sound good right now.

Jack got me some flowers yesterday from the market. I love these because they go perfect with my kitchen decore. Please enjoy these.














Susan
~peace~

I'm struggling a bit today, could be the rain coming in, I miss the sun. At least my good days are more then my bad days have been lately. I recover quicker from set backs. I know that has to be a good thing considering 2 months ago I couldn't even lift my head. I'm getting my sense of humor back...Even cracked myself up last night.

Today I have to get back to exercise. I might be able to get in a walk before the rain comes. I'm looking foreword to the fresh air and the feeling of accomplishment. It's time for me to come out of the hole and look around. If I go back in we're having 6 more weeks of summer.

I hope everyone has a great day today....Smile like you stole something!

Susan
~peace~

Today is suppose to be absolutely beautiful. Low temps, sun, cool breeze spotty rain here and there. Today is my short day at work. I'll be able to get some cleaning done before the weekend starts.

Jack is feeling better, I got him laughing yesterday and his pain has been getting much better. I can only hope this will be a great weekend for him. I plan to get him out in the fresh air, a picnic, walk...etc. I'm looking foreword to spending some quality time with him. It's time now for us to heal and set the past behind us.

I've attacked my mysterious rash with tea tree oil again this year and it's showing signs of clearing. I found some homemade tea tree oil soap yesterday and bought the last of what they had. Not only does it help my rash but my head cold has cleared too.

I wanted to take some time in this blog to tell a very special friend of mine that I love her and I think about her everyday. It's all I can do NOT to bug the crap out of her with e-cards and little messages everywhere. I know she reads my blog so I wanted to say to her here that I feel her pain and I'd gladly carry some of that for her if it would help her. My heart aches when I read how much she is hurting and I feel so helpless. I've been in similar darkness and it's a scary place to be.

I want you to know *S*, that it's because of you that my head is up today. It's because of you that I am healing. You listened to me when I needed you and you didn't judge me or make me feel worse then I already did. You were a true friend! If there is anything I can do to repay you just say so and I am there. I love you and just know that my thoughts are with you daily. I pray for you to heal and be well.

Friends, go forth today with a smile on your face. If not for yourself, it will be a gift to another.

Susan
~peace~

Well here we are again.....A new week. I've vowed to keep myself busy and away from the computer as much as possible. I have so much work stuff to do that I've been putting off for months. Stuff I should have been doing but was to busy avoiding it. Now it's time to crack down and get it all done. It's ok though, it's just what I need to keep myself focused on my life around me.

It finally stopped raining and storming. Well at least for a few days. I think more is expected this week as early as tomorrow. The rain and the storms don't bother me to much. Even a couple tornado warnings aren't to bad, but when you have them everyday for weeks it's enough to drive you nutty. I always panic when they sound the sirens. I don't think I'll ever get used to that sound. I spent the majority of my life in the country. We didn't get sirens to warn us. So I get excited and not in a good way, running about trying to remember what IM suppose to do. Get in the tub? A closet? A place in the center of the building? The north end? South end? Which is it??? arghhhhh! It was easy when I was a kid, you went to the basement. We don't have one here so the rules are so complicated now. And why do men stand outside to watch the tornado that's coming to kill them? How stupid is this? Playing chicken with mother nature, not ME. I think it's far better to run about in a panic indoors trying to decide which room you'd rather be buried alive in.

Over the weekend I stopped at a couple outdoor sales. I love to find a bargain. I ran across a swag lamp and couldn't pass it up. I've been wanting one of these in my living room for years. We get absolutely no light in there except for a floor lamp that does a great job of lighting the ceiling. To bad I'm not up there reading then it would be perfect. I don't know why these things are so hard to find now days, but they are. All the ones I've run across are straight out of the 70's. Including the one I found this weekend. At first sight I thought "it's so brown and ewww", but then I felt my creative side slap me. I knew this would look great when I got done with it so I handed the gal 5 bucks and away I went. A bottle of white paint, some little flowers from the craft section at wally world and an hour later I had the cutest swag lamp ever.


Well I've bored you all enough for today. I hope all of you have a great day and wonderful week full of happiness.

Susan
~peace~

What does a person do without true friends? I know I would have gone mad without them. I have some of the most wonderful friends in the world and all over the world at that.

I was going crazy holding something in and didn't realize that the reason I was having such a hard time dealing with a problem was because I hadn't turned to my friends. It's times like this you find out which friends you value and treasure most. Once I was able to release the darkness I held within me I felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders.

I had to also do some major soul searching this past week. Everything I was raised to believe in was challenged. I had to step deep within myself to find out who I really am. What I can handle, what I can't, how much compassion do I have, how understanding am I, how critical can I be and the list goes on. I always knew that I had the ability to see ones true self and I was always raised to look at the intent of a situation and not just what one does. There is intent behind everything we do and what we do is based on our intent.

Someone hurt me and I now realize that it was not their intent to do so. And as long as they show remorse and are truly sorry for what they have done then I can not find it in my heart to condemn them. It's times like these that you have to give all of your fears and worries to God and leave it into his hands. I am not the maker, I am not to judge and I am human, therefore I will live MY life the way I know I should and everybody else is on their own. I have to focus on me and only me. Worry about me and only me. In the end 'me' is all I have.

Until you walk a mile in my shoes do not judge me or my actions. Do not question what I do and why I do it. In order for me to heal I have to do what's best for me not what anyone else might think is best for me. No one on this planet can tell you how you feel or how you should feel. Who do you know can cast the first stone? WHO? I thought not! Sin is not measured in heaven like humans measure it on earth. A sin is a sin and each equal. If you are truly sorry for your sin you will be forgiven. It is only human to turn one's back. Humans judge and condemn each other, God embraces his children because he has unconditional love for us. Love is a powerful emotion and true love can endure all things good and bad.

The door opened in my search for answers to my most challenging moment in life when I remembered something I had done to someone several years ago. I had nearly forgotten about it. It dawned on me that although the situations were different, they were in some ways the same. I was not cast to the sea to be eaten by sharks, I was not marched threw the streets to be shamed. I had to own up to my wrong and seek forgiveness which was the hardest thing I had ever done. That person forgave me and still to this day loves me. So I thought, how can I not give what was given to me? How could I ever expect anyone to ever forgive me of any mistakes I may yet make if I can't do the same in return for others? How hypocritical would that be? In the end It will be me and God and no one else. I want to live my life in such a way that he will be proud of me. He will be proud of me for reaching past my human weaknesses in going above what is expected of me. He will be proud of me for showing compassion and being truly understanding of others. He will be proud of me for being loving and caring to others. He will be proud of me for being me.

What if we were only judged by our wrongs? What if only our wrongs stood in plain view for all to see and no one ever saw anything good that we ever did? Why is it that we are to quick to see the bad in someone and not the good? Why do we not look at a person as a whole? We are to quick to hide our own faults behind our backs with one hand and with our other hand point our finger in disgust.

For all of you who are struggling with deep emotional issues at this time in your life, may you find the answers that you need to rise above your troubles. May you find a true friend to listen to you and love you. Even if they can not give you the words and advice you seek, may they simply hold you and comfort you in their embrace. Go forth today in peace! I know I will!

I love you!

Susan
~peace~